New blog name!

Oh, I just thought to get a new blog, still blogspot though! I just thought, that it'll be a blog that'll be full of randomness and more.. randomness! Well I won't be able to help it if I posted something depressing but please at least bear with me, or something.

I noticed something in this blog, I did nothing but... post a depressing entry everytime I cry. lmao!
Well anyway, cheer up!!

And visit me at:

http://satsunyan.blogspot.com/

nyaan~

It's because I am often misunderstood and unheard.

So today, I received some words.

"If you won't know how you would respect yourself at least learn how to respect your parents before it's too late for your life to change."

That's good. At least someone knows that I rarely respect my parents or anyone in my house for that matter. Maybe it's because I just learned how to

stop caring.

Don't that just happen to you if you've experienced epic trauma being with a group of people or just being alone in general? Or when you're just utterly misunderstood and misheard?

Don't you just hate the feeling of you were asked something, you answered. You reasoned out but told to stop reasoning out?

And then, after learning your mistake, once more you are asked something you answered and did not reason out and then you were suddenly asked to reason out?

And then rinse and repeat. It sometimes gets tiring. Sometimes in life having good memory will also be the cause of your death.

But then I was told;

being too kind might also be your cause of death.

And I answered that I don't care. I said; I'd die if I would die. Of course the thought of dying makes me scared. What can I do? if I die, I'll die.

Going back to topic, this post is just another post of how I fail at life. How I do not know how respect my elders, my parents, my family members.

What I was asking for was just little respect from them, but then, because of what I've done in the past, I think I particularly forgot that;

I deserve none.

Which routes back to why I even dream of being a respectable singer, a respectable and influential person, when I've lost all right to that title a long long time ago.

I am not respectable.

Because.

Stealing and Killing people is a heinous crime.

When did my head become this big to start with? That I started wanting for respect;

which I do not deserve.

Then from now on, I must increase my respect for people even if they do not respect me at all. Because;

I do not deserve anything.

Even thought I've told people, "You've got all the right to your happiness." "You deserve the happiness you want." "Happiness does not deny anyone." It's true. But what am I doing saying this?

I am denying happiness itself.

Happiness is not denying me, but I guess, I am denying it with all my power.

Because I've lost my right over it.

If I can go die now, and be forgotten. That'd be nice. It'll make sure that I was 'lost' and then pronounced 'dead' after 7 years. So that my family won't have to spend a cent over me. So that they won't need to pay expenses for my burial, and do mourning or such.

Because I've lost all right to those long ago.

I wonder why would people admire me though. Why would they call me epic? Why would they idolize me? Why would they become a fan of me?

Why would they support me?

Oh.

It's because they don't know anything.

Then I'm telling you now. I give people around me nothing;

but bad luck.

Do you want bad luck? If you do, I can totally share you a lot. But at the same time making sure that I'll take around 90% of the bad luck.

I don't like seeing people suffer, so I'll suffer for them instead.

My life has been nothing but depression. World says you spend 70% of your life with your family. But then...

my family isn't happy with me.

I am a disappointment.

Most probably a disgrace too.

My whole life I've done nothing but dream for the unreachable. So from now on, I swear to myself;

Soon, I'll leave this house, and stop being burden to them.

And with that, I'll leave everything I've been borrowing. This computer, every clothing they've bought for me, my phone, my iPod, my PSP, book, dvds, everything. But then again, how could I do that?

my life is borrowed too.

I can never own anything. Even if I buy clothing using money I worked hard for. This life I have is borrowed. Then it can never be mine. *scratches head* I totally screwed up there.

But then again, I've always known that in my life;

I exist for other's benefits.

Ooohhhh~ I realize now. So that means being used is my real use then. That means there's no, standing on my own two feet, living my own life, living for myself. Because I can only live for;

someone else.

I get it now. Oh, you are probably wondering now why I have a borrowed life? Because I wasn't supposed to be here. You know those, accidental babies, etc, etc, yada, yada. I'm a real daughter by my parents though (or so I think, who knows?) but then, I remember being told, "We didn't expect you." or something along the lines of those. That means my birth was an accident.

I am an accident.

or

a failure.

And if you must know, accidents leave marks, failures aren't perfect. So I've been nothing. All my life, I've lived for somebody else, and somebody else being my family. My life was manipulated, what I know about the world was limited until I was introduced to internet. I learned everything I know the hard way. I learned that I've been living

a lie. All along.

But, that doesn't mean I've been lying. When I told you, that you're important to me, you are. If I said that I love you, I love you. If I told you that you're a friend, you're a friend. If I said Thank you.

Thank you.

This makes a good last will and testament doesn't it? Well then, I shall make this one. If I die I want everyone I know to know this:

"Thank you for making me a part of your life. I've enjoyed every minute, every second I've spent with you. To every IRL friend I have, it has been a long run, but I need to go. I hope I don't see you again soon. To every Online friend I have, I do want to meet you guys. But make sure I don't meet you now okay? I could wait a few more centuries. Waiting is my only specialty after all *thumbs up* To my family, thank you for putting up with me. It was a very nice borrowed life. Please do not be sad. It was a fun time being with all of you. Even if there are more painful times. I hope to not see you all soon."

And I want everyone to send me off with a smile. Anyone I'd catch crying I'd go haunt you in your dreams and I'll make sure that I'll be scaaaarreeeeehhhhhhh~!! BOO!

Why am I doing this? Who knows? Maybe I won't have a time to do this in the near future (AKA Tomorrow) or something. Better make it early so I won't have any regrets if I left the world in an accident or something.

Man, this has been a long post. I did not intend to mope around this long about my life that doesn't really mean anything for now. I'll continue living for other people. It doesn't really matter if they don't believe it. I will live for people important to me. Whether they want it or not. Cause I can't live for myself. I do not own this life I have. I just borrowed it, and can do what I want with it.

Looking at that, there's nothing to admire about me after all. I might be smiling at you right now, but what I do? Is cry in loneliness. I cry alone. And crying alone,

is madness. sadness. loneliness. a sign of weakness.

Only strong people can cry in-front of other people. Because it means they can overcome things. But because I'm weak, because I rely on a borrowed life, because I live for other people. Because I am living a life that is not mine. As I am writing there, I am writhing in pain and crying alone until after I finished maybe I might still be writing. And drown myself in self-pity and loneliness.

To everyone who admires me or anything like that:

Thank you very much. You guys truly make me happy. However, I am living a borrowed life. You don't need to pretend to admire me if you don't want to. I will have to continue living this life until my time is up. Until then, you do not need to follow me or something because you might find more wonderful people if you move on.

I really thank you for the emotion. Even living this kind of life, I will forever treasure our time together. But if right now you choose to stand by my side, remember that you can blame me for everything that will happen to you. Because they are and would always be my fault.

I've lived a life filled with loneliness. Apparently to me, getting ignored is normal. Being not listened to is normal as well. So if I begin to sound unpleasant to you, also known as, boasty or anything. I am sorry, it is because I do not actually meet people who would be kind enough to listen to me. You are too kind. You do not have to bear with me if I am unbearable. I swear to you, it would be painful, but, it is better to leave me than to stick with me as you will gain nothing from staying with a bad luck magnet such as my life.

I won't even mind it if you suddenly ignored me. Because I would just treat it as something normal, I know you'd eventually grow accustomed to it. But, since I am alive to be used by anyone, you can feel free to trash me anywhere, and then just pick me up again if you need my help.

True, painful thoughts are painful. But because I have thought, realized, and burnt to my mind that this is my true purpose in life, my way of thinking will not change. Until I found another reason, maybe.

Thank you for reading. I am sure that this post have been filled with nothing but naught, sadness, self-centeredness, boastfulness and whatever offending things. Thank you for reading.

Stealing and Killing?

Because I stole money to buy what I want. And I killed people because I argued with them and passed them bad luck.

I am a good for nothing.

a sinner.

that must be why my name starts with, 'Maria.'

It's because I fail at life.

It's been a long time since I cried this much. Nyaha~ And I think I'm still crying, but oh well, who on earth would actually care right?

I chose a resolve to not reason out just to save myself, and accept whatever that is headed. Who would've thought it would hurt this much if it actually counts? Like having a fight with a friend, and not reasoning out and that friend ends up getting mad at you.

Well idiotic okay, well that's just the kind of person I am. An idiot. Yes. I don't know what to write anymore, maybe it's because I've cried out and is still crying out the emotions that I wanted to tell someone.

Retaliating my own sadness, is what I've been doing, because no one had always been present for me, and I always had this mind set of 'Do not bother other people with your own problem, because they have their share.' There's also this 'Don't show or tell people you're hurting, you're like someone looking for their pity.'

Its part of how I was raised, idiotic way yeah right, but who cares really? I only end up hurting myself (I hope) so if I'm the only one hurting, then... it should be fine.

Well, that should be all of them, maybe.

see you.

In this song is how I currently feel =)





English Translations Here:
Credits to Zwei@Coalguys.com
English Translation

“Continuation of a Dream”
Lyrics: Mizuki Nana
Composition: Mizuki Nana
Arrangement: Fujita Junpei (Elements Garden)

I’m always apologizing and saying, “I’m sorry.”
But the truth was, I just wanted to talk with you.
So you silently nodded your head as if to say “Do your best,”
And gave my back a push back in those dreamlike days.

I want to thank you
As loudly as I can,
With all the feelings I couldn’t say in my embarrassment.
I want my gratitude to reach you,
The one I love.
No matter where you go,
We’ll be linked together in song.

We crossed paths many times.
In times of sorrow we cried together.
We kept believing as we stepped forward.
I’ll never forget those daring days.

Whenever I see your bright smile,
I think of going forward without hesitation
With a still far-off dream in mind.
You taught me the wonders of happiness.
Please be with me forever,
My most beloved.

I want to thank you
As loudly as I can,
With all the feelings I couldn’t say in my embarrassment.
I want my gratitude to reach you,
The one I love.
No matter where you go,
We’ll be linked together in song.

"May other opportunities pa!" Eh paano kung wala na?

Sabi nila, "Live everyday as if it were your last!"
pero sabi din nila, "Inuhahin mo muna ito, may other opportunities pa!"

Oh sige, sinong malabo ngaun?

Well, there's been this issue about band performances and then again, the karaoke singing contest. Well everything coincides with my life. We already canceled our band performance, because our guitarist had to leave on Sunday. So I decided to join the karaoke singing contest, so I could still use the effort I wasted into practicing songs, so they won't go to waste, and break my curse.

Ever since I decided that I wanted to be a singer. I've always had this situation of...

There's an upcoming contest! So I prepare. 3 days before the audition, I get sick for particularly no reason. I give up, thinking there would be more opportunities.

And this went on for 4 years. And this year, on it's fifth year, I decided to break it, by skipping school, joining a singing contest, whilst being sick. Well I won 3rd place. Yay for me.

And now, this is happening again, I'm currently sick a week before a contest. Audition is on day 1 (friday-holiday) Eliminations on day 2 (saturday, morning class + pe class) and finals on day 3 (rest day)

If ever I got in the Auditions, and the performance on Eliminations is in the morning, I decided I would skip classes. But then again, it's school. (lol screw school) so I'm hoping dearly that the performances would be in the afternoon. But, there's a battle of the bands in the afternoon...

Oh well. I'd rather not think about this. And kill myself, I mean, stress myself. Maybe I'd just rather, not do it. I think it's for the best. :) even if it depresses me the greatest. (:

~de arimasu.

Kanji/Romaji: Mizuki Nana - Freestyle (フリースタイル)

Well, I was bored, and the song was so bouncy. I searched for the lyrics and to no avail. Found the Kanji lyrics instead of the Romaji one. So I felt bad, since not anyone can enjoy the bouncy-ness of the song and jump, bounce and sing with the song. So I romanized it! =D Please Enjoy! Credits please when Taken out of my Blog :)

If you don't know the song, you can still bounce with me!
Freestyle - Mizuki Nana [Youtube]

Kanji (Kanji Lyrics Credits to: LyricsWiki.Com)

フリースタイルで空を飛ぶの
ココロのカギを外して
真っ白なハートの一部が
あなたの羽根の色のようで
ホント似たもの同志だったね

通りかかったペットショップで
どこにでも飛んでいけそうな
羽根を持ってるあなたと出会ったの

最近失恋して出来た
寂しい気持ちと時間は
あなたの姿を見てると癒されてく

マスカラよりも近い距離から
見つめ会っていたかった恋
真っ黒なこの涙はあなたが拭ってみせてね

夏の浜辺で終わった恋に
別れを告げきれずまだ
寂しい胸の内
カゴの中のあなたと私は似たもの同志ね

私には羽根ががないけれど
飛び込みたい空があるんだよ
自由でかっこいい飛び方教えてよね

笑顔でいつもいたいけど
そう上手くは行かないよね
だけどそうありたいと思う限り頑張ろう

いつか精一杯の助走をつけて
一緒に空を飛ぼうね
おもいきり羽ばたいて
カゴの中のあなた随分、待ち切れないようね

そろそろ外の世界へと希望を探す旅に出ましょう
勇気を出して飛び立とう一大決心

そして、、、

海鳥飛び交う空に
あなたを放ってあげる
雲に交じり消えた
あなたに負けはしないように私も頑張るよ

フリースタイルで空を飛ぶの
ココロのカギを外して
真っ白なハートの一部が
あなたの羽根の色のようで
ホント似たもの同志だったね

ROMAJI

furiisutairu de sora wo tobu no
kokoro no kagi wo hazushite
masshiro na haato no ichibu ga
anata no hane no iro no you de
honto ni ta mono doushi datta ne

toori kakatta PETTOSHOPPU de
doko ni demo tondeike sou na
hane wo motteru anata to deatta no

saikin shitsuren shite dekita
sabishii kimochi to jikan wa
anata no sugata wo miteru to iyasareteku

masukara yori mo chikai kyori kara
mitsu meatte itakatta koi
makkuro na kono namida wa anata ga nugutte misetene

natsu no hamabe de owatta koi ni
wakare wo tsuge kirezumada
sabishii mune no uchi
kago no naka no anata to watashi wa ni ta mono doushi ne

watashi ni wa hane gaganai keredo　
tobiko mitai sora ga arundayo
jiyuu dekakkoii tobi kata oshiete yone

egao de itsumo itai kedo
sou umaku wa ikanai yo ne
dakedo sou aritai to omou kagiri ganbarou

itsuka seiippai no josou wo tsukete
issho ni sora wo tobu ne
omoikiri hane bataite
kago no nakano anata zuibun , machi kirenai you ne

sorosoro soto no sekai heto kibou wo sagasu tabi ni demashou
yuuki wo dashite tobitatou ichi dai kesshin

soshite

umi tori tobikau sora ni
anata wo hanatte ageru
kumo ni majiri kieta
anata ni make wa shinai youni watashi mo ganbaru yo

furiisutairu de sora wo tobu no
kokoro no kagi wo hazushite
masshiro na haato no ichibu ga
anata no hane no iro no you de
honto ni ta mono doushi datta ne


I hope you enjoy the song as much as I do! =D PLEASE CREDITS WHEN TAKEN OUT! You can request for Romaji lyrics, as long as you provide a scan of the KANJI lyrics OR a link to the KANJI lyrics. I can do them. Just comment on this post, or any of my posts that includes in Lyrics. I will romanize them for you.

More lyrics coming when I have more free time!

Please Enjoy Nana-san's Freestyle! furiisutairu de sora wo tobu no kokoro no kagi wo hazushite~~

~De arimasu

Shana-nee/Yuki-nee

Graduating High School is a Gruesome day.

I've never had a best friend during High School. Never had someone with me, to take to college. I think I'm going to set a journey to find friends again. When You see me hanging out with friends, I'm like a black hair in a pile of hay. I was just there, cause no one would come with me. So I come with them.

I've always gained friends, and lost them right after parting. During elementary it's because of the house location. All of their houses are near our school. I'm so far-away from them. I thought I had friends, when I graduated, I lost them all.

Now, I'm graduating high school, yes, I'm sad, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna miss them all. But that's all that's happening. To be honest, no one bothers to go with me, when I need someone to go to places with. I don't have anyone who wants to stay to my house for a longer time. Like usually, the house location is far. When I ask for you to come with me. It only means 'I've always been alone. I'm lonely. I just want you today to be with me. So you could heal my loneliness for today.' But it seems like no one has noticed my tiresomeness. Masking them with a smile. I'm awezome.

I've never been really close with my family. I'm the last to get the news always. My brother gained a Girl friend. I learned about it last. Cause they don't like talking to me, like i'm an outsider. We're a family. But we're not friends. I learn the news about my family members, because, I'm a part of them. Not Because they want me to know about it.

I need to renew my passport tomorrow. I'm coming with my sister, and I don't think that day would be a good day. I think I'll go on with that day, with my stone face on.

People tells me 'smile it looks better on you.' but when I do it in-front of a mirror. All I can say is. 'so ugly. I think a serious face looks gorgeous'

I was never raised a 'cheerful person' so it's hard to breakthrough my endless mask of happiness. When you ask me to smile, I'm smiling, but you can't see it. Cause, all my life, the number of times I've frowned, is greater by more than half of the number of times I smiled.

During Elementary, I had a best friend. But the truth was, she had a best friend of her own. I was just a by-passer who needed a guide. When she graduated. We're gone.

Now. Where do I find friends? I think those people online that I talk to, I trust them so much, but I don't know what they say, when they're not talking to me. Though I trust them much. Sooooo much.

So as I was saying. Graduating High School is a gruesome day. Cause it's the day I lose my friends. Basically. Unless you swear to me "Ate Kams! I'll forever be your friend!" And mentally crossing your fingers or crossing your fingers behind you, it's fine. You were trying to comfort me. Thank you.

So why am I like this? Like I said. My whole life, I'm an in-born errand runner. Even if they can do it themselves. Fetch water? Open the door? Why? I'm tired. They tell me they're tired. Like they're only the person tired. Usually a conversation like this goes on.

P1: Please get me a water.
me: Don't wanna I'm tired.
P1: TIRED?! What did you DO?! I walked around all day. So get it for me.
me: I was sitting here staring my eyeballs out the screen doing my work.
P1: What work? Do you even get paid to do that?
me: No. But at least I help people.
P1: psh. help people. So what? you were just sitting there. Staring at the screen. What's tiring with that?
So I just go ahead and fetch it. I'm the loser no matter how you look at it.

I may have flu, coughs, sore body, sore knee, sore back. I do what they tell me to do. If you ask me not to overwork myself. I'm sorry, I don't believe that you're truthfully concerned, and I can't do that.

This also answers 'why why why' suggestions doesn't easily go past me. Cause I don't believe that the person, is truthfully telling me that.

Well not maybe all my life, at least, most of my life is composed of orders. That's why I'm so obedient. And rarely asks for other people's favors. When people are doing favors for me, I kindly decline it. I don't need help. More like, no one offers their help. And if I DO really NEED help. No one can help. But it's okay. I've set myself to set goals to helping people.

But you know, I'm not some robot, I'm not mad. I need some feelings too. People around me treat me like I don't have feelings. Like I'm some kinda mannequin, that tells and go, and you can say and go to. I had said before, I can survive alone. Yes I can. But this is what I'm telling you. I'll be sad all my life.

I have temper issues. Right. I have mental defects. Right. Why? the reason I don't have friends.

No one in this world has accepted me for who I am. Not even my family. It's not a hard thing. Usually it takes time for these to happen. But. seventeen years? Haha. Good joke.

People always criticize me, and hasn't understood me since then. All I did was. Adjust myself, my feelings for them. So I don't hurt them. But they don't care if I get hurt. Rawr.

I'm telling this. It's self pity. Yes. Self-pity is the result of low self-esteem. People who doesn't have confidence in them. I'm one of them. Self-pity is one of our ways into venting anger and depression, before I catch an illness here. But no one seem to accept it.

I was once criticized about it, and was ORDERED to fix it. Cause it's wrong. I was trying. But when I told that person that, I have a problem with her, and I don't think it's just me. She says she will. Obviously, she had been shoving this 'open minded' crap to my face. While she can't do it herself. ironic. How crapping.

I have so many deep wounds. I don't have anaesthetic to heal them. Why. you're here reading. Can YOU do that?

-- Shanatan

Good Thing I'm going to leave SMS now.

I love you Ms. B. like We're some kinda criminal

Nuff said, that's all I'm gonna post.

I'm glad I'm leaving Southernside Montessori School.

Thanks to SMS that I met most of my good friends, and good teachers.
But also.
Thanks to SMS, I hated it so much because of their beloved awesome ...............

When I become an artist. I swear to delete my 'High School' in my profile. ^^