I was dragged back to Negative Thinking... and now was dragged back to Positive.

I heard that my Mother's friend's husband might be suffering heartburns, and was scared to go to the doctor and what the doctor would say. The same case I suffered.

Thinking that my medicine taking will end this thursday, without my Mom, I can't go back to the doctor for another check up, since I don't want a follow up check up with Dr. Sy. I don't know what's wrong with him, but there's this that I don't like about him.

I badly... want to break down, I'll never allow them to x-ray my stomach, like NEVER! Even if I die, NEVER. I don't want anyone to see my stomach.

Sounds insane, but of course I don't think I'm dying LOL. I know heartburns has a cure, and I'm going for that medicinal cure. I'm going to be healthy, and I'm going to eat my favourite foods back.

I want to break down and cry, and plead to Lord that, 'Lord I learned my lesson so badly, I won't do it again, I won't do and make my body suffer anymore, I want to get out of this, I got in this cause it's my big fault, but... I sincerely feel so bad now, I envy healthy people now, I want to be healthy too, eat the foods they can eat, drink everything they can drink, I'll never waste anymore drinks, I'll never waste anymore food, will always eat on time, and will always obey my parents now, I don't want this... I don't want to suffer anymore, I don't want my parent's to put out a lot of money out from their pockets just to cure me, and bring me back to normal, I know you can do this, I know you can cure me back, I know you can cause miracles, that's why I believe in you, and is talking to you right now... I want... to go back. I want to help my parents, and decrease our money consumption, I want... to be healthy again.'

Our bills are out six thousand pesos, but it's quite impossible to attain that, since we've been conserving electricity, even if I'm alone in our house, I conserve water and electricity as well. Cause I don't want them pay a lot of payments. I don't want them to overtime just to get money.

I want to help, I WANT TO HELP. My medicine costs one hundred pesos per piece, and for our economy, that's VERY PRICEY.

I want to be cured... I need the encouragement to actually, face what I can do. I don't want to suffer endoscopy, or whatever you call/spell that thing that x-rays your stomach.

I believe in God, and I know God is teaching me a lesson.

Lesson very well learned, but I don't want to suffer anymore. I may sound sooo, right, selfish, cause I know other people deserves to be 'not suffering' anymore than I do, who has more rights... but this is the only moment that I've been very selfish.

I even promised to share my talents... by finally, showing people what I can do and entertain them. I have a lot of plans on my fourth year, and I need a healthy body to do that.

I have the encouragement now, self reflecting, self talking, and you, my admirable, and awesome reader who's reading all this I wrote. Thank you. I hope/know that you're encouraging me deep down in your heart. And is softly telling me, "God is beside you," I know. I love God.

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So... it was a long rant, but I guess it enlightened me a lot. I want to pray a lot more time now, and I suddenly wanted to attend a mass. hahaha! Next time I should ask my parents to go to the Mass and not skip it. I love God now, Well I know I loved him, and I abandoned him too. But learning that he's the only one there for you, aside from your parents, when you need enlightenment and courage. I'm proud to be a catholic ~ de arimasu.

-Shanatan