Looks like Mr. and Mrs. Bad Luck are back.

So many bad lucks. Haven't they gotten the best of me? Or they would've gotten the best of me, once I've been seriously damaged?

October is the one. Right after May. October goes. Bad luck month. Yay <3. style="font-weight: bold;">-- --
-- --
-- 11 --
-- --
-- -- --

On the "11" part, I should be there. Front Lines no? But yet I'm not.

To Tell you, we lost the contest, and this classmate tells me:
"You now, no blaming here alright? but, Kamille, it's your fault really, you were to engrossed in changing here, even went to the CR at the lobby to change, so you were late, and didn't get to dance," I feel so enraged. Such insensitivity. Doesn't he sense that I've been blaming myself already for our lost? And Can't even smile a REAL Smile while dancing the rest of the dances for that day? I answered him; "Didn't you know that I wanted to CRY SO BADLY, because I didn't get to DANCE?!" and he kept quiet. But no sorrys were heard. The nerve.

I've been stressed so much. Thinking about steps for this dance olympics. And this is what I get.

We're supposed to be dancing for 3 songs. Cha Cha, Swing and Waltz. I'm the leader for the Swing. ONLY the SWING.

But It happened, that I became a leader for the 3 SONGS all in ALL. But I was only assigned to SWING.

When we had a dry run. I accidentally changed the dance steps for the Cha Cha dance, and they were like complaining "(pertaining to the ORIGINAL Leader for Cha Cha), you should've danced, look at what happened, the dance steps were altered so much," So I was like "Sorry It was My Fault, I shouldn't have danced, I should've gave her (leader of Cha Cha) my partner, and stayed here inside the classroom,"

Oh Well, Like I've told to myself, I'm born to be blamed. <3

2nd Bad Luck would be,
When my PC broke. We had to change the Motherboard. Sadly it didn't have a "Parallel Port" and he Audio Driver isn't the same as well. Parallel Port is where you insert the Printer, and the Audio Driver is, I can't record any simple songs anymore. =) Like sing with the instrumental, and the like. Can't do that anymore.

My brother talked to me right now, and told me, it was a wrong idea for myself to do that, and there were more options than just to change the motherboard. But what I did, I became selfish, and only thought about fixing my PC ASAP. My Hard Drive was at stake too, reformatting for 4 times in a year. Too bad no? VERY BAD.

It's my fault, I was selfish. My whole life, I never had the right to think about myself. Thank you life.

The other would be, my mother asked me, "Why do you always have a scowl on your face?" I answered her, "Why? You want me to smile like a fool here and there?" My mother replied, "At least keep a calm expression, and not that scowl or a sad face all the time," And I told her, "I wouldn't be like this if it weren't for my sister," And she told me, "I thought you said, that you're fine with her now? That she's gotten a little kind?" And then our conversaton got cut off.

I wanted to tell her, "A child's personality is shaped at the childhood of a child," And I spent my childhood, in sorrow, sadness, and I grew up being stupid. Didn't know that Water isn't supposed to be called 'edible' but 'potable' instead. Grew, up that didn't know how to commute. Knowing only how to wash the dishes. Think about other's first before itself. Be kind like an angel, and is not thought the art of "turning people down", born to be blamed, a stupid lady. The day won't end if I weren' called 'stupid' just once. All the people who cares about me already passed away, my eldest brother, and my grandmother on my mother's side who took care of me while, my mother and father are at work. Am I next? LOL

My Mother and Father, always side with my sister, my sister manipulates my life, I have no freedom in my life. I wish to be free soon. Like a freebird. Woohoo. My Second Brother, is not here, either wise he doesn't care.

I give all of my thoughts through writing, I write all of my sadness and anger out. Growing with people back stabbing me, people disliking me, having no real friends, and having only friends who leaves me during my time of chaos.

I always give out the feeling of loving people even if I don't know them, but I've never felt the thing "being loved". Never had a boyfriend, men are intimidated with me.

They don't like rubbish women like me, who doesn't powder her face, doesn't fix her hair, and has no sense of fashion, adding to that, someone who doesn't regularly smile unless she talks.

I hate the side of me that my emotions are all not seen, because I grew up bottling up, not showin, and not letting anyone see it. So if I have a problem they won't see it. Cause no one's payin attention. <3.

I've been living my life with all this. So I'm asking you, "how does it feel like to smile naturally?" If you're someone who has seen me in pictures, can I ask you "Does my smile seem real?" "Does it come from the heart?" "Do you sense happiness?"

I might be a joyous person, and all this side I'm typing here is not a simple impersonation. This is real. Like I said "Blog you're my best friend, you're the only thing I can count on to, Thanks for being there."

Now why would I lie to my Best Friend? Right?

I've never cried in-front of people. Because those people who says, that if I need a shoulder to cry on, I can cry on them, never really appeared. Like never really. I get affected by things around me easily. Cause I grew up to be "Pay attention to everything around you!" So leaving that ability out, is something hard.

Won't there be the person coming to give me a hand and pull me out of this pit?