Graduating High School is a Gruesome day.

I've never had a best friend during High School. Never had someone with me, to take to college. I think I'm going to set a journey to find friends again. When You see me hanging out with friends, I'm like a black hair in a pile of hay. I was just there, cause no one would come with me. So I come with them.

I've always gained friends, and lost them right after parting. During elementary it's because of the house location. All of their houses are near our school. I'm so far-away from them. I thought I had friends, when I graduated, I lost them all.

Now, I'm graduating high school, yes, I'm sad, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna miss them all. But that's all that's happening. To be honest, no one bothers to go with me, when I need someone to go to places with. I don't have anyone who wants to stay to my house for a longer time. Like usually, the house location is far. When I ask for you to come with me. It only means 'I've always been alone. I'm lonely. I just want you today to be with me. So you could heal my loneliness for today.' But it seems like no one has noticed my tiresomeness. Masking them with a smile. I'm awezome.

I've never been really close with my family. I'm the last to get the news always. My brother gained a Girl friend. I learned about it last. Cause they don't like talking to me, like i'm an outsider. We're a family. But we're not friends. I learn the news about my family members, because, I'm a part of them. Not Because they want me to know about it.

I need to renew my passport tomorrow. I'm coming with my sister, and I don't think that day would be a good day. I think I'll go on with that day, with my stone face on.

People tells me 'smile it looks better on you.' but when I do it in-front of a mirror. All I can say is. 'so ugly. I think a serious face looks gorgeous'

I was never raised a 'cheerful person' so it's hard to breakthrough my endless mask of happiness. When you ask me to smile, I'm smiling, but you can't see it. Cause, all my life, the number of times I've frowned, is greater by more than half of the number of times I smiled.

During Elementary, I had a best friend. But the truth was, she had a best friend of her own. I was just a by-passer who needed a guide. When she graduated. We're gone.

Now. Where do I find friends? I think those people online that I talk to, I trust them so much, but I don't know what they say, when they're not talking to me. Though I trust them much. Sooooo much.

So as I was saying. Graduating High School is a gruesome day. Cause it's the day I lose my friends. Basically. Unless you swear to me "Ate Kams! I'll forever be your friend!" And mentally crossing your fingers or crossing your fingers behind you, it's fine. You were trying to comfort me. Thank you.

So why am I like this? Like I said. My whole life, I'm an in-born errand runner. Even if they can do it themselves. Fetch water? Open the door? Why? I'm tired. They tell me they're tired. Like they're only the person tired. Usually a conversation like this goes on.

P1: Please get me a water.
me: Don't wanna I'm tired.
P1: TIRED?! What did you DO?! I walked around all day. So get it for me.
me: I was sitting here staring my eyeballs out the screen doing my work.
P1: What work? Do you even get paid to do that?
me: No. But at least I help people.
P1: psh. help people. So what? you were just sitting there. Staring at the screen. What's tiring with that?
So I just go ahead and fetch it. I'm the loser no matter how you look at it.

I may have flu, coughs, sore body, sore knee, sore back. I do what they tell me to do. If you ask me not to overwork myself. I'm sorry, I don't believe that you're truthfully concerned, and I can't do that.

This also answers 'why why why' suggestions doesn't easily go past me. Cause I don't believe that the person, is truthfully telling me that.

Well not maybe all my life, at least, most of my life is composed of orders. That's why I'm so obedient. And rarely asks for other people's favors. When people are doing favors for me, I kindly decline it. I don't need help. More like, no one offers their help. And if I DO really NEED help. No one can help. But it's okay. I've set myself to set goals to helping people.

But you know, I'm not some robot, I'm not mad. I need some feelings too. People around me treat me like I don't have feelings. Like I'm some kinda mannequin, that tells and go, and you can say and go to. I had said before, I can survive alone. Yes I can. But this is what I'm telling you. I'll be sad all my life.

I have temper issues. Right. I have mental defects. Right. Why? the reason I don't have friends.

No one in this world has accepted me for who I am. Not even my family. It's not a hard thing. Usually it takes time for these to happen. But. seventeen years? Haha. Good joke.

People always criticize me, and hasn't understood me since then. All I did was. Adjust myself, my feelings for them. So I don't hurt them. But they don't care if I get hurt. Rawr.

I'm telling this. It's self pity. Yes. Self-pity is the result of low self-esteem. People who doesn't have confidence in them. I'm one of them. Self-pity is one of our ways into venting anger and depression, before I catch an illness here. But no one seem to accept it.

I was once criticized about it, and was ORDERED to fix it. Cause it's wrong. I was trying. But when I told that person that, I have a problem with her, and I don't think it's just me. She says she will. Obviously, she had been shoving this 'open minded' crap to my face. While she can't do it herself. ironic. How crapping.

I have so many deep wounds. I don't have anaesthetic to heal them. Why. you're here reading. Can YOU do that?

-- Shanatan