It's because I am often misunderstood and unheard.

So today, I received some words.

"If you won't know how you would respect yourself at least learn how to respect your parents before it's too late for your life to change."

That's good. At least someone knows that I rarely respect my parents or anyone in my house for that matter. Maybe it's because I just learned how to

stop caring.

Don't that just happen to you if you've experienced epic trauma being with a group of people or just being alone in general? Or when you're just utterly misunderstood and misheard?

Don't you just hate the feeling of you were asked something, you answered. You reasoned out but told to stop reasoning out?

And then, after learning your mistake, once more you are asked something you answered and did not reason out and then you were suddenly asked to reason out?

And then rinse and repeat. It sometimes gets tiring. Sometimes in life having good memory will also be the cause of your death.

But then I was told;

being too kind might also be your cause of death.

And I answered that I don't care. I said; I'd die if I would die. Of course the thought of dying makes me scared. What can I do? if I die, I'll die.

Going back to topic, this post is just another post of how I fail at life. How I do not know how respect my elders, my parents, my family members.

What I was asking for was just little respect from them, but then, because of what I've done in the past, I think I particularly forgot that;

I deserve none.

Which routes back to why I even dream of being a respectable singer, a respectable and influential person, when I've lost all right to that title a long long time ago.

I am not respectable.

Because.

Stealing and Killing people is a heinous crime.

When did my head become this big to start with? That I started wanting for respect;

which I do not deserve.

Then from now on, I must increase my respect for people even if they do not respect me at all. Because;

I do not deserve anything.

Even thought I've told people, "You've got all the right to your happiness." "You deserve the happiness you want." "Happiness does not deny anyone." It's true. But what am I doing saying this?

I am denying happiness itself.

Happiness is not denying me, but I guess, I am denying it with all my power.

Because I've lost my right over it.

If I can go die now, and be forgotten. That'd be nice. It'll make sure that I was 'lost' and then pronounced 'dead' after 7 years. So that my family won't have to spend a cent over me. So that they won't need to pay expenses for my burial, and do mourning or such.

Because I've lost all right to those long ago.

I wonder why would people admire me though. Why would they call me epic? Why would they idolize me? Why would they become a fan of me?

Why would they support me?

Oh.

It's because they don't know anything.

Then I'm telling you now. I give people around me nothing;

but bad luck.

Do you want bad luck? If you do, I can totally share you a lot. But at the same time making sure that I'll take around 90% of the bad luck.

I don't like seeing people suffer, so I'll suffer for them instead.

My life has been nothing but depression. World says you spend 70% of your life with your family. But then...

my family isn't happy with me.

I am a disappointment.

Most probably a disgrace too.

My whole life I've done nothing but dream for the unreachable. So from now on, I swear to myself;

Soon, I'll leave this house, and stop being burden to them.

And with that, I'll leave everything I've been borrowing. This computer, every clothing they've bought for me, my phone, my iPod, my PSP, book, dvds, everything. But then again, how could I do that?

my life is borrowed too.

I can never own anything. Even if I buy clothing using money I worked hard for. This life I have is borrowed. Then it can never be mine. *scratches head* I totally screwed up there.

But then again, I've always known that in my life;

I exist for other's benefits.

Ooohhhh~ I realize now. So that means being used is my real use then. That means there's no, standing on my own two feet, living my own life, living for myself. Because I can only live for;

someone else.

I get it now. Oh, you are probably wondering now why I have a borrowed life? Because I wasn't supposed to be here. You know those, accidental babies, etc, etc, yada, yada. I'm a real daughter by my parents though (or so I think, who knows?) but then, I remember being told, "We didn't expect you." or something along the lines of those. That means my birth was an accident.

I am an accident.

or

a failure.

And if you must know, accidents leave marks, failures aren't perfect. So I've been nothing. All my life, I've lived for somebody else, and somebody else being my family. My life was manipulated, what I know about the world was limited until I was introduced to internet. I learned everything I know the hard way. I learned that I've been living

a lie. All along.

But, that doesn't mean I've been lying. When I told you, that you're important to me, you are. If I said that I love you, I love you. If I told you that you're a friend, you're a friend. If I said Thank you.

Thank you.

This makes a good last will and testament doesn't it? Well then, I shall make this one. If I die I want everyone I know to know this:

"Thank you for making me a part of your life. I've enjoyed every minute, every second I've spent with you. To every IRL friend I have, it has been a long run, but I need to go. I hope I don't see you again soon. To every Online friend I have, I do want to meet you guys. But make sure I don't meet you now okay? I could wait a few more centuries. Waiting is my only specialty after all *thumbs up* To my family, thank you for putting up with me. It was a very nice borrowed life. Please do not be sad. It was a fun time being with all of you. Even if there are more painful times. I hope to not see you all soon."

And I want everyone to send me off with a smile. Anyone I'd catch crying I'd go haunt you in your dreams and I'll make sure that I'll be scaaaarreeeeehhhhhhh~!! BOO!

Why am I doing this? Who knows? Maybe I won't have a time to do this in the near future (AKA Tomorrow) or something. Better make it early so I won't have any regrets if I left the world in an accident or something.

Man, this has been a long post. I did not intend to mope around this long about my life that doesn't really mean anything for now. I'll continue living for other people. It doesn't really matter if they don't believe it. I will live for people important to me. Whether they want it or not. Cause I can't live for myself. I do not own this life I have. I just borrowed it, and can do what I want with it.

Looking at that, there's nothing to admire about me after all. I might be smiling at you right now, but what I do? Is cry in loneliness. I cry alone. And crying alone,

is madness. sadness. loneliness. a sign of weakness.

Only strong people can cry in-front of other people. Because it means they can overcome things. But because I'm weak, because I rely on a borrowed life, because I live for other people. Because I am living a life that is not mine. As I am writing there, I am writhing in pain and crying alone until after I finished maybe I might still be writing. And drown myself in self-pity and loneliness.

To everyone who admires me or anything like that:

Thank you very much. You guys truly make me happy. However, I am living a borrowed life. You don't need to pretend to admire me if you don't want to. I will have to continue living this life until my time is up. Until then, you do not need to follow me or something because you might find more wonderful people if you move on.

I really thank you for the emotion. Even living this kind of life, I will forever treasure our time together. But if right now you choose to stand by my side, remember that you can blame me for everything that will happen to you. Because they are and would always be my fault.

I've lived a life filled with loneliness. Apparently to me, getting ignored is normal. Being not listened to is normal as well. So if I begin to sound unpleasant to you, also known as, boasty or anything. I am sorry, it is because I do not actually meet people who would be kind enough to listen to me. You are too kind. You do not have to bear with me if I am unbearable. I swear to you, it would be painful, but, it is better to leave me than to stick with me as you will gain nothing from staying with a bad luck magnet such as my life.

I won't even mind it if you suddenly ignored me. Because I would just treat it as something normal, I know you'd eventually grow accustomed to it. But, since I am alive to be used by anyone, you can feel free to trash me anywhere, and then just pick me up again if you need my help.

True, painful thoughts are painful. But because I have thought, realized, and burnt to my mind that this is my true purpose in life, my way of thinking will not change. Until I found another reason, maybe.

Thank you for reading. I am sure that this post have been filled with nothing but naught, sadness, self-centeredness, boastfulness and whatever offending things. Thank you for reading.

Stealing and Killing?

Because I stole money to buy what I want. And I killed people because I argued with them and passed them bad luck.

I am a good for nothing.

a sinner.

that must be why my name starts with, 'Maria.'